All I Am Is Darkness
by Books In the Blood
Summary: The Doctor has become the one who forgets but his earlier self cant understand the darkness that did it to him. Doctor's earlier self takes a look inside his mind and they both find they share more than they realize. Sometimes its easy to forget rather than hurt and the Doctors can only share some things together. Set after The Day of the Doctor.


The Doctor could hear the tip toe of converses across the metallic floor of the console room; slowly, carefully , trying to be quiet. The Doctor looked down at the buttons of the console as if he didn't know he was coming, a smile playing at his lips. A moment later, he felt the press of the Other's chest behind him, his arms snaking around the Doctor, placing the once familiar hands over his own. The Doctor turned his face slightly, looking up at the Other him; slightly taller, but so familiar. It had been a very long time…

"Did you think you could sneak up on me? I knew you'd be coming" The Doctor said. The Other's hands traced over his own, dancing lightly as he pressed himself harder against the Doctor. The Doctor felt his stomach dig into the console with the pressure.

"You did? Well, what then do you think I'm here for, if you're so smart?" The Other him asked, his breath hot against the Doctor's ear. He felt goose bumps pop up against the sensitive skin.

"Well, I am so smart" the Doctor said with a slight laugh. "But, you forget…I was you. I know where you're at; I know what you're feeling. I knew the temptation would be too much for you to resist"

"The temptation for what?" The Other asked, a slight smile in his voice.

"The temptation of me" The Doctor said with a smile. He tried to move his hands but the Other pressed his hands down into the metal of the buttons, digging into his skin. The TARDIS hummed indignantly at him but he sent a calming wave at her to soothe her.

"Ah…..I think a bit much of myself in the future don't I?" the Other asked with a laugh. "You think you're so tempting I just couldn't resist?" The Doctor felt the Other's lips close to his neck, his breath making the Doctor's dual hearts speed up.

"I know it" the Doctor said, forcing his voice to be steady, looking down at the console as if he was barely interested. "I'm a mystery…an enigma. I know you couldn't possibly resist trying to find out more about what you will become. You could have gotten back in your own TARDIS and left. You almost did….but the temptation to know the future, time lord, was too much to resist."

The Doctor was smiling but he felt the energy in the room change in the next second. The Other turned the Doctor around to face him, slamming him against the console, grabbing the Doctor's lapels and pulling him toward him. The Other's face was a mask of pain and anger, his teeth clenched and so much darkness in his eyes. The Doctor knew this version of him; alone, lonely…..so full of anger and hate. He was in the one of the darkest periods of his life.

"I will not become you" the Other said. "The darkness I see in you, I have no desire to become you. A man who forgets the pain, the loss…that you can move on and act as though you never destroyed our people. I have absolutely do desire to become anything like you"

Anger swelled inside the Doctor's hearts; he grabbed the hands at his lapels and twisted the Other around so that he was pressed against the console. The Doctor smashed him into the buttons, leaning over him so that his face was only inches from the Other's. "You know nothing about what I am and what I've seen. I've lived for hundreds of years that you know nothing about, so don't pretend like you know anything about my pain and why I had to get to the point where I've had to forget" The Doctor spat at the Other. It may have been him, a version of him, but he had no idea of the things that he had seen and lost and loved since he had been him. Too much had happened to him since he was the man in front of him. The Other's judgment made him flush with furry.

"I know what I need to know" the Other said, anger glinting in his eyes. "I know that you are all darkness. There is nothing in you but darkness. I can _feel _it coming off of you"

The Doctor felt himself falter; he didn't want to be darkness. He was more than that, better than that…..surely he didn't _feel _that dark. "I am not…..I'm more than that. I have darkness in me but I am more than that. You know what it's like" he said, his eyes searching the Other's, begging him to understand. "You know the darkness gets to be so heavy sometimes….but we fight it….we always do"

The Other's face softened, the anger melting away as he looked up at him. The Other lifted a hand and gently let his finger trace over the Doctor's cheek and he sighed slightly. "I know how much it gets to be…we see too much, do too much…but you're not fighting it anymore" the Other said softly.

"That's not true!" The Doctor said defensively, his voice catching. He'd made mistakes but he tried to outweigh his evils with good.

"It is" The Other insisted, his eyes and words soft, begging the Doctor to agree. "You have seen so much, felt so much. I don't know what could possibly do that to you but I am so sad that this is what my future holds. You have seen so much…..too much."

The Doctor felt sadness gripping his hearts as his hold on the Other lessened. "I told you…you really don't want to know where you're going. Not this time" He let go of the Other but remained standing over him. He had no idea of what his future held and the Doctor didn't want to pollute him with the knowledge of it. He was the only person who would truly understand; there was definitely the temptation to tell him. But it wouldn't be fair.

The Doctor backed away from the Other him so that he could put some necessary distance between them. "You need to go…just get out of here" the Doctor said weakly. The fight was all out of him.

But the Other wasn't to be persuaded; the Doctor didn't really expect him to give up so easily. "I don't want to do that…I want to find out what your pain is; where it comes from" the Other said, walking over to the Doctor.

"You know we can't do that" The Doctor argued, feeling his hearts speed up as the Other moved so close that their shoes touched. "Timelines…it's not knowledge you should have." His voice faltered as the Other looked deep into his eyes with his dark ones.

The Other smiled in a slightly knowing way. "When have rules ever mattered to us?" he asked. He raised his hands as if to put them onto his head. The Doctor knew what he was planning and the mere idea of it made the Doctor's legs shake slightly. It had been _so…..long…_ "Come on…..one little peek" The Other urged him, a playful dare in his voice.

The Doctor swallowed hard, trying to keep any emotion out of his voice; he didn't know why he bothered. The Other would feel it anyway just like he could feel the energy from the Other's hands a mere inch from his head. The temptation was so strong; it would feel so good to connect with someone like that again but it wasn't fair to burden him with the knowledge until he had to have it. "You shouldn't even be here now" the Doctor tried to argue. It was weak at best. "The paradox is so strong I can't believe we have been able to with stand it this long"

The Other looked at him, a mischievous smile on his lips. The Doctor's hearts raced because he knew that look. "Dare you" The Other said mischievously.

"You expect me to give into that?" The Doctor asked. It was nearly impossible to resist when the Other was pushing so hard. He didn't have any fight to begin with so it was hard to resist.

"Unless I've grown boring in my old age, yes" The Other said with a smile. He moved slightly so that he was closer to the Doctor, putting his hand on his chest, in the spot between his hearts. His face relaxed as the Doctor sighed at the touch. "I feel your pain…I can feel it so much. Let me in"

The Other put his free hand on the Doctor's cheek, energy crackling through his fingers and the Doctor gasped slightly, closing his eyes. There was no way he could fight this; his mind which had once been touched by so many others was parched, desperate for the touch, even if it was his own. "I can't hurt you…I don't want to" The Doctor said weakly, his hearts beating quickly against the Other's hand. He smelled bright; like lemons and daisies and yellow things. He had never noticed the scent when it had been his own; now noticing it was a strange sensation.

"I've got a thick skull…..you should know that" The Other assured him. Before the Doctor could open his mouth to argue against him, he felt the gentle trace of fingers, sparkling with energy against his temples. A second later, he felt of the Other against his mind.

It was like a hug, like the touch of friend after a long absence but so much better than that. So much deeper; a stroke to the very soul. The Doctor felt a tremble start in in his mind and run through his entire body, the fingers on his temple struggling to stay still against him. The presence of the Other's mind in his own was like a warm, bright light encircling his very thoughts. His mind burned, hurt…the Other's against it felt like a cooling rain. The Other's mind pushed slightly into his own, looking for the pain he suffered so deeply. The Doctor didn't even attempt to hide it; it was like a huge, gaping crevice in his consciousness. There was no way that he would have been able hide it. The Other's mind stroked it gently, tentatively and the flood came rushing out.

Memories, hundreds of years that the Other had not lived came rushing out the Doctor's mind. Happiness that he had experienced, love he had not yet known poured out sweet and slow. But just as the happiness left, it was replaced by a torrent of pain. People he had lost, so many years of suffering and agony that was so harsh it could rip a heart open. He could feel the presence of the Other falter inside his mind, the flood of memories rushing at him so quickly. The Doctor tried to slow it down but it had been trapped inside of him for so long that it couldn't stop.

The Doctor lost all sense of time in the swirling mass of his mind and the Other's entangled. When his mind finally let go, had spilled the last of his pain, he could feel the Other's presence pull out. His mind instantly became cold and barren and he ached to hold onto it. He wasn't ready to let go…

When he opened his eyes he saw the Other's face so close to his own that their noses were touching; sometime during the strong onslaught his hands had come to rest on the Other's head, fingers knotted in his wild hair. The Other's hands were still on his temples and he could feel his whole body shaking.

"Are you alright?" The Doctor asked, his voice husky. It was only then he noticed the tears that were on his own cheeks. He felt slightly embarrassed by them but he couldn't be bothered to care about it much after what the Other had seen. His whole mind had just been spread open wide for him to see.

The Other pulled back from the Doctor, not enough to break their contact but enough to look into his eyes. They were dark, swirling pools of concern. "The things you've seen….." he said, his voice vacant. "How do I bear it?" There was a tremble in his voice, afraid of what his future held. It was exactly what the Doctor had been afraid of.

The Doctor blinked, the last of his tears running out of his eyes; he didn't brush it out of his face because he didn't want to let go of the Other. "You learn to forget" The Doctor said breathlessly. It was exactly what he had told the Other; that the pain had been so strong that forgetting was the only way to deal with it. At the time, he hadn't understood; he'd thought he had grown callused as he got older. Now he could understand why he'd had to.

They stayed still, their breaths slightly out of tune and hearts racing before the Other detached himself from the Doctor and grabbed his hand. The Doctor looked at him questioningly but before he could say anything, the Other said, "You wouldn't want Miss Clara to interrupt us, would you? She might not understand" he said, his voice gentle but an undercurrent of trouble lay under it. Feeling numb but eager for what the Other was suggesting, the Doctor shuffled his feet along the corridors hand in hand with the Other.

The Other pulled him to his room, his movements becoming mechanical and numb; the whole experience of it was overwhelming. When they walked into his bedroom, the Doctor felt his defenses going down again. He knew that he didn't need to be ashamed; the Other was the only person that he didn't have to worry about judging him and he really was just glad he hadn't lost it in the console room where Clara could have stumbled upon them.

The Doctor fell to his knees, the pain searing his hearts. He grabbed his hearts, feeling intently how overwhelmed he was from the touch of the Other's consciousness. He had told the Other that he had numbed himself to save himself from pain but he hadn't realized until this moment how much he had deadened his hearts to his suffering. Only now, once he had let it go did he feel how terribly painful it all was. The tears that had started to dry on his face were now joined with a fresh wave as his crying became sobbing. Though he didn't feel the same shame around the Other as he would have around someone else, he still felt himself looking down at the carpet as he tried to gain control of himself. He could feel a distinct nagging in the back of his mind; he could feel the ripples in time that were starting to form because of the prolonged exposure to his past self. They were creating a paradox and it would only grow worse but the Doctor wanted to hold on as long as he could. He knew it was unhealthy but he was desperate for contact with someone that could understand him that he held on.

The Doctor watched the brown pinstripes of the Other's suit come into view as he knelt down in front of him. The Other put his hands on the Doctor's cheeks, tilting his face to look at him. "You really never have let it go, have you?" The Other asked in disbelief, not alarmed at all by the Doctors breakdown but sympathetic.

The Doctor shook his head; it was so hard to always be the strong one, the one with the answers. Being the last of the time lords was so very lonely. "Do you feel it? The paradox?" the Doctor asked. He knew that the Other had to be aware of it. His voice trembled slightly because he was afraid of this ending. This meeting, this connection should have never been. There were reasons that paradoxes like this were forbidden.

"Yes" The Other said, "Don't worry about that yet. We've got a long while before our behavior starts ripping up timelines. And I have no intention to leave you this way."

"What…what are you going to do" The Doctor said, his voice weak.

"Exactly what you need me to do…"The Other said. He stood up, taking the Doctor's hand and pulling him up off of the floor. The pain in the Doctor's hearts was almost impossible to stand and he was relieved when the Other only made him walk a few feet towards his bed. He collapsed against the plush, rarely used sheets; he could have fallen asleep right at that moment but this wasn't the time for sleeping. He wasn't going to sleep until the Other left him because that moment was going to come all too soon.

The Other lay down on the bed behind him, sliding one arm under his neck and using it to pull him gently against him. The Other's hand came to rest against his chest, holding him firm but kind. His other hand moved into the Doctor's hair, fingers moving along his scalp and touching his temples far too much to be an accident. The Other knew how sensitive those spots were; he would know without even feeling him that it was turning his limbs into jelly.

"Go slow" The Other whispered in the Doctor's ear, causing goose bumps along his neck.

The Doctor huffed out an amused laugh; he knew that the earlier bond they had had mentally was too strong, too much for the Other to handle but he hadn't planned it that way. "I'll try…but I'm not going to make any promises. It's been way too long." The Doctor said, breathlessly waiting for the touch. It felt like he had waited so long for this.

"I know" The Other said, his voice understanding. They both knew; too long without their people, too long without the bond that they were supposed to have. Telepathic connections for them were as essential as physical touch to humans and they had both been so long without it.

The Doctor was lost in the sensation of the long fingers moving through his hair and along his scalp when the Other's mind pushed into his own. The Doctor knew he gasped but it wasn't from pain, far from pain.

_Are you alright? _The Other asked inside his mind at his response. _I'll stop, if you need me to. _

The Doctor's mind was floating for a second, lost in the pure ecstasy of the touch of another mind, before he could think back a response. _Don't you dare stop, _he challenged with an internal laugh.

He could feel, rather than see the Other smile. _You don't have to tell me twice, _he said. Coherent thought was pulled from the Doctor's mind as the Other moved his consciousness further into his own. He could feel his energy move through the contours of his memories and emotions, stroking so easily and perfectly that it took the Doctor's breath away. But at the same time he was digging further and further into his memories, making every nerve in his body come alive. He could feel him moving along the darkest parts of his mind, the parts that held his deepest hurts and most neglected feelings. It was a swirling mass of anger and pain and the Doctor involuntarily clenched that part of his mind off so that the Other couldn't touch it, couldn't be polluted any further by it.

_Don't shut me out, _the Other urged him from inside, _Don't hide anything from me. I've already seen how dark it is, how much pain you have. You don't have to hold it all yourself. _

_I don't want to hurt you…there might be another wave, too much to hold back, _The Doctor said.

_Reach out to me…..hold on to me and it'll help, _the Other said. The Doctor felt the Other's mind reach for him and for the first time he reached out toward his mind, both of them colliding.

_Oh, this was brilliant…_the Doctor had forgotten just how intense and wonderful it could be. When he reached the Doctor's mind and held on, he could see the man he was at that time. They weren't so different; his mind was a dark, angry, bitter swirling mess. He could see the happiness and joy he had experienced no so long ago; it was still so recent in his memory that he felt the loss of it keenly. He had risen to the heights of happiness; having so many companions…..seeing _her _again… But that had all been taken from him and the bitterness that it created was like a storm in his mind. There was something comforting about the anger to the Doctor; it reminded him that he had been there before and he had managed to get through it. He always managed to get through it.

The Doctor and the Other's minds took hold of each other and bounded so closely it was difficult to tell where one started and the other ended; they became a perfect circle, becoming one. It was like it used to be; like how the Doctor had forgotten it could be. The dark parts of both their minds clashed together like a viscous storm, gaining power and strength until something broke inside, causing the darkness to dissipate. The Doctor could feel a sorrow, tears and anguish that wasn't his but that he felt. He stroked along the Other's mind, tentative at first, but then more persistent when his motions caused the Doctor's sorrow to alleviate. One could get lost in it and the Doctor was sure that they did. At moments it had been easy to forget that they were the same person, even though it shouldn't have been, but with the rhythm their minds gained together it was impossible to forget. They worked as one unit; it was like having the perfect partner. The Doctor didn't even have to fully have a thought about how he wanted the Other to move before he was doing it. The Doctor, in turn, knew what the Other wanted instinctually because it was what he wanted. Their closeness gained power, growing warmer and brighter until it was like a wave crashing over every part of the Doctor's mind and making him tremble.

When they finally disconnected, it took the Doctor awhile to become aware of himself again. He'd been so deeply immersed, so blissfully inside the Other's mind that he had to stretch his own mind a bit before he could form normal thoughts. When he opened his eyes and became aware of his surroundings, he found himself still curled up next to the Other, the Other's arms holding him close. Every fiber in his body tingled from the bliss of the contact, the relief of the telepathic bond, making him shake. He could feel tears that were mostly dried on his cheeks and his hearts were beating quickly still. He could feel the Other's dual heart beats on his back from where he was pressed so closely. The Doctor grabbed onto the arm that was wrapped around him, finding the Other shaking as well. Now that they weren't buried so deeply in each other, the Doctor could feel the nagging of the timelines being distorted around them.

"I don't want to let go" The Doctor said. He didn't tell the Other that he was lonely, that he ached for his people and the things only they could give him. He didn't tell the Other that he was terrified of believing that Gallifrey might still be out there because the disappointment that would greet him if he was wrong would destroy him. He didn't have to tell the Other all of this because he already knew he felt the same.

"Me neither" The Other said, taking a shuddering breath that moved the Doctor slightly.

The Doctor pressed himself closer to the Other, soaking in his warmth. It occurred to him , for the first real time, that the Other _was _himself. He was essentially desperate to hold onto himself and that made him feel strange. "This is weird, isn't it?" The Doctor asked.

He was glad that he didn't have to look at the Other as he spoke. "Maybe…..do you want me to go?" he asked.

"No" The Doctor said a bit too quickly. "No, I mean…"

"Its alright" The Other assured him as he tried to find the words to describe his feelings. "This time is limited…I'll have to go. You can forget I was ever here"

"I don't want to forget" The Doctor said, clinging gently to the Other. He felt for a moment that the Other must think him terribly weak and desperate but then he felt the Other hold him tighter.

"I know you don't….I don't either" The Other assured him, nestling his head down on the Doctor's shoulder, his hair tickling the Doctor's neck.

There was a long silent pause before the Doctor finally gained the courage to say what he was thinking. "You see it now…why I am what I am. Why I can't share that with anyone?"

The Other turned the Doctor so that he was facing him, his leg looped around his own to keep him close. The Other put his hand against the Doctor's cheek, his thumb tracing over the skin. "That's why I'm still here" The Other said, his voice heavy and thick. "I couldn't let you hold it all. While you may be the man who forgets, we are both darkness. All we are is darkness and no one else can understand that"


End file.
